Subject: Damn Yankees Date: Thu, 28 Oct 1999 12:56:05 -0400 From: Don Dudley Organization: Sun Microsystems To: Katz, Jay; Becque, Scott; Anthony, Joe Congratulations, guys, and Yankee fans everywhere. May there be more justice in the next millennium! Regards, Don -------- Original Message -------- Forwards removed ... >>> Are you behind this assault?????? >>> The 4,008 Best Reasons to Hate the New York Yankees, among them ... >>> 1. They fired Red Barber. >>> 2. They hired Steve Howe. A seven-time drug offender. >>> 364. Rooting for the Yankees takes all the courage, imagination, >>> conviction and baseball intelligence of Spam. It's like rooting for >>> Brad Pitt to get the girl or for Bill Gates to hit Scratch 'n' Win. >>> (This is why I'm proposing legislation that would allow only those >>> born in one of the five New York boroughs to be Yankees fans. All >>> others who root for the team will be considered overdog-loving, >>> Eveready-chucking, bandwagon-hopping, fair-weather, brownnose, >>> pucker-lipped human goiters and be required to turn in their >>> pinstriped underwear or be tossed into the East River with only Chuck >>> Knoblauch to throw them a life preserver.) >>> 1,011. The Yankees are the only team that doesn't sew its players' >>> names onto any of its unis. Like kids are supposed to memorize the >>> roster after their bedtime prayers. Let's see, 3 is Ruth, 4 is Gehrig >>> ... and 55 is Ramiro Mendoza. >>> 1,312. Everybody is so charmed by Yankee Stadium public address >>> announcer Bob Sheppard, with his teeth-clenched, perfect-diction >>> English. He sounds British. Is he British? No, he's from Long Island! >>> Why, then, does he speak like Thurston Howell III? Bunch of Yankees >>> fans drunk on lighter fluid in the stands, screaming, "I paid a buck >>> to see ya mutha naked, Rocker!" and the club has some guy on the P.A. >>> making like Alistair Cooke. Fuhgeddaboutit! >>> 1,500 through 1,850. Convicted felon and Lucky Sperm Club member >>> George Steinbrenner III, the despotic Yankees owner, fills half of one >>> volume by himself. For example, Georgie Porgie, as Boston Red Sox >>> manager Jimy Williams calls him, just elevated his vice president of >>> player development and scouting, Mark Newman, over his general >>> manager, two-time American League pennant winner Brian Cashman, >>> because Cashman lost two arbitration cases last winter. And forgot to >>> salute. >>> 1,855. After every nauseating, soul-sucking Yankees victory, radio >>> play-by-play man John Sterling bellows, "Yankees win! Tha-a-a-a-a-a-a >>> Yankees win!" like a goat stuck on an electric fence. Hey, John, give >>> it a-a-a-a-a-a-a rest. >>> 1,856. After every nauseating, soul-sucking victory at Yankee Stadium, >>> tens of thousands of tin-eared fans hang around and sing the Frank >>> Sinatra standard New York, New York over and over, until you pray the >>> ghost of Sinatra himself will appear on the DiamondVision, screaming, >>> "Stop!" >>> 2,651. The Yankees' payroll this year was the largest in baseball, by >>> the GNP of Guam. If YANKEES WIN WORLD SERIES is worth a headline, so >>> is BULLDOZER DEFEATS TULIP. >>> 2,651. According to The Barnhart Dictionary of Etymology, the word >>> yankee was originally a "term of contempt." Isn't that great? The >>> Yankees named themselves after an insult! It's like calling a team the >>> Atlanta Rednecks or the Los Angeles Cokeheads. Iron that on your >>> wife-beater. >>> 3,199. In the spring after their 1996 championship the Yankees charged >>> fans to have their pictures taken with the World Series trophy. >>> 3,200. After they lost the 1976 World Series, the Yankees voted their >>> batboys $100 shares. Their opponents that year, the Cincinnati Reds, >>> gave theirs $6,591 each. >>> 3,911. For decades Yankocentric Eastern seaboard media -- like this >>> magazine -- have overhyped Yankees players to exhaustion, so much so >>> that six of baseball's 30 All-Century team members were Yankees, >>> including righthander Roger Clemens, who currently is New York's >>> fourth starter and can't get a Bic lighter out. Do you realize the >>> Yankees have retired the jerseys of a .273 lifetime hitter (Phil >>> Rizzuto) and a .257 lifetime hitter (Billy Martin)? What, no Bucky >>> Dent (.247)? >>> 3,989. Lovable Yankees coach Don Zimmer, who has had more hard objects >>> bounce off his skull than Gilligan, was on the bench for the perfect >>> games by Don Larsen (1956) and David Cone ('99) and never got off in >>> between. >>> 4,008. Hating the Yankees is an American tradition that has been >>> honored throughout this century. Remember, nobody ever wrote a play >>> called Damn Diamondbacks! >>> >> > > > >