This & that under tree for holidays

You have questions. Here in the Helmet-to-Helmet Department, we have answers:

Q. I watched the Army-Navy football game. It looked like they wore identical helmets. Where do they get them?

A. At the Army-Navy Surplus Store.

Q. Doesn't Shaquille O'Neal look like he's put on a few extra pounds this season?

A. Yes, but haven't we all? It's not surprising The Great Laker has added some bulk. I hear Shaq purposely messes up those Burger King commercials so he has to eat his way through at least 30 takes, all Biggie Sized, of course.

Q. Will Pete Rose ever be voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame?

A. Don't bet on it. Oops! That's how Petey got on the outs with baseball, thumbing his nose at the game's cardinal law: betting on games. Pete and commissioner Bud Selig have met to discuss possible reinstatement and it would be fitting to have Rose take his place in Cooperstown with the game's greatest. However, he must come clean, be contrite and publicly admit his transgressions. Otherwise, forget it. The Rose saga is a sad one. Charlie Hustle went from being the career hit king to lying about his gambling, serving time in a federal prison for cheating on his taxes, to the point now he is little more than a sleazy con man. We all loved the guy for his hustle and grit as a player. But it's time for him to grow up and admit he broke rule No. 1. Q. Who died and made Charles Barkley god?

A. Charles.

Q. Say it ain't so. Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year Award went to Lance Armstrong. C'mon. Who would you have given it to?

A. What a bummer. I dropped my croissant when informed. Lance is a nice guy. He overcame severe illness and being a Texan. But he's still just a bicycle rider. Great-aunt Gilda can ride a bike. I'm miffed. If winning that French Bike Race was such a big deal, why SI didn't give Armstrong the Sportsman award in 2000 and 2001 when he also was top pedaler at the Arc d' Triomphe? My 2002 Sportsman of the Year isn't even a man. It's Serena Williams who won three Grand Slam tennis tournaments and lights up the world with her smile. Hey, talk about tough: Serena survived two weeks in New York City wearing a Cat Suit.

Q. If the Pueblo Pythons field a team in 2003, will you give them a fair shake?

A. Whoa! At Helmet-to-Helmet, fairness is our middle name. Here's the deal: Just so I don't have a game to cover, a feature or column to write, am not on vacation or busy cleaning out my garage, am not watching "Pardon The Interruption" or washing my cat, the Snake Ladies have my undivided devotion. (Editor's note: The women's team might not be called the Pythons again).

Q. Listening to a local drive-time sports talk show, a caller claimed coach Dan Reeves "learned his lesson" about nurturing Mike Vick after he "ruined John Elway." The announcers agreed. I know Elway was a spoiled brat and didn't see eye-to-eye with Dan-O, but "ruined." Isn't that a bit harsh?

A. Let's crunch the numbers and see what a terrible mentor Reeves was for Elway from 1983-92. During that time frame Elway threw for 32,004 yards and 173 touchdowns. The Denver Broncos were 98-60-1. Elway went to three Super Bowls, four Pro Bowls and was the 1987 NFL Player of the Year. Mike Vick can only hope Reeves "ruins" him that badly.

Q. Which is more repulsive and insulting: the 18- to 34-year-old male demographic group or the TV commercials targeted to them?

A. Too close to call.

Have a great Christmas and until then "On Donner! On Blitzen! On ’Bama! On Georgia!" Sports writer Dave Socier can be reached by calling (719) 544-3520, ext. 451 or by e-mail at [email protected].

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